


fever dreams

by sithkylo



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Canon Compliant, Everyone has abandonment issues, F/M, Force Bond (Star Wars), Force-Sensitive Finn (Star Wars), Guilt, Multi, Not Canon Compliant, and then, follows tfa and then breaks off afterwards, i wrote this originally in 2015 so things don't line up with new stuff, lots of friendships, will tag things as i think of them
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-30
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-02-27 12:28:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 14,599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22037080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sithkylo/pseuds/sithkylo
Summary: " she means nothing to me. "" then why is she still alive? "after years of silence, the race to find the map to luke skywalker reawakens the connection between kylo ren and his first love, neve. dormant feelings come to the surface, complicated by the different life paths the two lead. fate has a grip on them, but what it has planned is unclear.
Relationships: Ben Solo | Kylo Ren/Original Female Character(s), Finn/Rey (Star Wars), Kylo Ren/Original Female Character(s), Poe Dameron/Finn
Comments: 6
Kudos: 12





	1. i. what have you done

**Author's Note:**

  * For [softcitrus](https://archiveofourown.org/users/softcitrus/gifts).



_**Neve** _ _awoke to find herself alone in bed. She immediately sensed something was off._

_"Ben?" She softly called out for the boy who was supposed to be lying next to her. She threw the thick blankets off of her, swinging her legs around to hang off of the bed._

_She felt a knot form itself in her stomach. She felt alone. Not for the fact that her lover was absent, but for the fact that she didn't sense anyone else. Almost as if her peers had just up and left while she was asleep._

_The redhead placed her bare feet on the cold ground, forcing herself off of the bed. Something in the back of her mind was telling her not to leave the room, that she wouldn't like what she'd find. She ignored the nagging feeling, her feet cautiously leading her out of the room._

_Neve twisted the door knob and pushed the door open, opening it just wide enough. If she opened it any further it would let out a loud squeak. The obnoxious door had almost gotten her caught a few times. But it also saved both her and Ben quite a few times._

_The tall girl slipped out of the room and into the corridor. It was absolutely pitch black. While Neve was never a fan of the dark, she wasn't afraid of it. But the eerie sight before her, or rather lack of sight, caused a lump to form in her throat. It fed her anxiety. In that moment she wanted Ben. She wanted him to laugh at her and tell her everything was alright. That she was being delusional. But she knew that he wasn't going to come to her aid. She had to encourage herself to go further._

_The young Padawan made her way down the hallway, albeit slowly. The lump in her throat was shrinking as she walked, the sound of the rain hitting the roof calming her. But the seemingly all-knowing knot in her stomach didn't seem to untie itself._

_The next thing she knew, the lump returned._

_She heard a scream. And an overwhelming feeling of emptiness washed over her. The feeling of loss._

_She felt a shiver slither up her spine. Her significant other's name popped up in her mind. But not out of worry, no. She'd be able to tell if he was in danger._

_Then it all clicked in her head. The things he said to her the night before echoed in her skull._ _"He doesn't trust me. I can feel it. He feels the darkness that I do. He can't help me. No one can. Not here." It felt like in that moment, he'd decided something. And she was a fool not to see it._

_The words initially worried her, but she didn't think them to be an immediate threat. She should have known something was wrong. Terribly wrong. This was her Ben, she knew him better than anyone else. Or she thought she did._

_She snapped out of her daze. She needed to find Ben. She wanted to find him and have him tell her that he didn't do this. She wanted to feel guilty for thinking that her sweet, warm, loving Ben would do this._

_She rushed down the corridor, following where the scream came from. The fact that no one else was exiting their rooms worried her._

_After turning around multiple corners, she found herself coming up on the exit. There was barely any light shining through the open door, despite the planet having two moons. There was a significant cold breeze blowing through. She regretted not putting on a robe. Then again, she didn't plan on going outside when she got up._

_As she neared the door she noted that there was a pool of water accumulated in front of it, meaning the door had been open for quite some time._

_Neve peered out the door, but immediately regretted it. She regretted even getting out of bed. Dread washed over her in waves._

_She wasn't sure what she was expecting, but she certainly didn't expect what she saw. She didn't expect to see a group of men in masks standing amongst a field of bodies. A field of her fellow Padawans. Lined up. A body count._

_"Oh my--" She cried, feeling the sting of tears welling up in her eyes._

_She looked away from the bodies and to the group of being. Ben stood out from the group, his blood stained robes in contrast to the black of the other's armor._

_She stepped out into the rain, shakily storming over to the group. One of the men turned to Ben and spoke. "I thought you got all of them." He growled before starting to stalk over to the redheaded Jedi._

_This made her freeze, eyes widening and any bravery disappearing._

_As the masked man neared her, she stumbled backwards, falling to the wet ground. She raised her hand up as he was about to grab her, only for nothing to come. He froze in his place. "No," the deep rumble of Ben's voice barked at the man. "She's mine." He released his hold on the strange man as he grew nearer, letting him regain enough control of his body to retreat back to the others._

_"Ben!" She breathed as his hands gripped her waist, pulling her to her feet._

_"Burn everything." Ben instructed the figures behind him._

_"Ben," she repeated, insistent this time. And his eyes met hers. His lips were pouty as always. But his brows furrowed, muscles tense, and his eyes were hard._ _"What have you done?" She sobbed, her hands finding either side of his face._

_Something changed in his eyes as Neve held his face. They softened, lightened even. As if just her touch had turned them from stone to a warm pool of chocolate._

_"Ben is dead." Ben had meant his words to come out harsher, but he couldn't bring himself to be so cold with her._

_"Then who's standing in front of me?" She questioned, her hands moving to grip his wet, wavy hair. In turn, Ben moved his hands to her waist once again._

_"Kylo Ren." The words sounded foreign on Neve's ears. Like he'd been speaking a different language to her, and it didn't make any sense at all. Where did that name come from?_

_The two stared at each other for a moment before Neve spoke up, "What are you doing? What is this?"_

_"This is what I'm supposed to do, Neve. This is who I am. Who I was raised to be."_

_"What? No, no. No, it's not. You are a_ _good_ _person. You are not Kylo Ren, you are Ben Solo. And you're a good person."_

_The fire that was burning their former home was now bright enough to illuminate Ben's face, despite the rain trying to put the fire out. He looked past the girl he loved as the place was engulfed in flames. "Not anymore." He whispered._

_"We should leave, Kylo. You should take care of that one fast. Whatever you're going to do with her," said one of the other cloaked men, returning to them._

_Neve watched the warmth leave 'Kylo's' eyes as he turned and glared at the Knight, "I'll take as much time as I want, we leave when I say we leave. Wait in the ship, tell the others," he ordered. Who was he to have such authority over these creatures?_

_Neve guided the angry young man's face back to look at her. "You're breaking my heart, Ben."_

_"Come with me. I won't have to break your heart. We won't have to hide, Neve. We could be together." He attempted to convince her, his hands gripping tighter at her waist._

_"Ben, I-"_

_"Please. I don't want to hurt you."_

_"This is not who I am, love. This isn't who you are either." She pleaded. They were both fruitlessly trying to convince one another and they knew it._

_"I'm sorry." He mumbled before pressing his lips against hers. It was a fierce kiss, both of them knowing it was going to be their last one._

_Neve let her hands fall from his hair, down to her sides as they pulled away. He did as well, letting his hands drop from her waist._

_Neve watched as Ben gave into Kylo Ren._

_Neve expected him to turn and leave on the ship behind them, but instead, he raised his hand. She felt him in her head, trying to force her unconscious. "No--" She tried to protest, tried to fight against his abilities. But he had always been better at these mind games. And their connection to one another gave him such easy access to her head._

_He caught the girl in his arms as she lost consciousness. He gently lowered her to the ground. He stared at his love, or now his former love, for a few seconds longer. He watched the cool rain hit her pale face, watched it drench her flowing red hair. Just in case this would be the last time he saw her._

_He hoped it would be the last time, for he knew what would have to be done if he saw her again._

___

_It was still dark when Neve's eyes opened, but the now clear sky was starting to transition from black to blue._

_"Oh, good! You're waking up!" She heard a familiar voice._

_"Threepio?" She questioned, her voice hoarse. As she sat up, she felt a blanket fall off of her. One that wasn't around her when she clocked out for a bit._

_'_ _C3PO's here. R2's here. Where's Master Luke?'_

_"Mistress Neve! Thank Heavens. A minute longer and-"_

_"Where's Luke?" She asked, knowing he must have returned if his droids were here._

_"Ah, yes. I was just about to explain. Master Luke. Well, I don't know what's happened to Master Luke. My circuits shorted out after the building collapsed! And when I came to, Artoo was...shut down. And Master Luke is gone." Dead or otherwise, he was gone._

_Neve couldn't believe that Luke, the man she had looked up to for years, was gone. She didn't want to believe he was dead, but she also didn't want to believe the alternative. That he'd abandoned her. Left her own. They needed each other, especially then. With their losses. But he was gone._

_Neve didn't know what to do. What could she do? 'Leia!' The thought came quick. Someone needed to tell her what happened. What had become of her son. And what happened to Luke Skywalker. What had happened to her family._

_"We need to find Leia Organa and Han Solo." Neve told Threepio._

_"Yes, that's a good idea." 3PO agreed. "We should go, Mistress Neve," 3PO commented. "There should still be ships in the hangar. Given they weren't destroyed," he began wobbling towards the location of the ships. It would take him a while at his rate._

_Neve's eyes had a difficult time moving from the ground, she was afraid if she looked around she'd begin to cry. She couldn't cry now, no matter how badly she wanted to. Or rather, needed to. Nonetheless she walked to the dead bot that was R2-D2 and began to push it to the ships. She couldn't leave it there._

_All the while, she couldn't stop imagining the looks Ben's parents would make when she'd tell them what he's done._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've been writing this since 2015 so things in this don't match up to canon material. mind your business. and this is just for fun so if i see any mean comments, i am allowed to prosecute you to the fullest extent of the law.


	2. ii. something's wrong

_**He's a monster.** _

_**She means nothing to me.** _

_**I'm sorry.** _

_**What have I done?** _

Neve awoke with a gasp, her heart beating fast. Her breathing was erratic. Her unruly ginger hair that had been neatly braided before bed was now coming undone, hairs sticking to the sweat on her body, her forehead.

Unsurprisingly, the first thing she thought of was Ben. She saw images of him, flashing in her dreams. Sometimes she felt as though the thoughts were forced into her head. The voices were forced into her head. His voice. Her own. Mingling, forming some incoherent mess in her thoughts. It wasn't an unusual occurrence.

She sighed, using one of her hands to peel her hair away from the sweaty skin. She didn't have to rush herself that morning, although she did have a mission to get ready for.

A man named Lor San Tekka, a close ally to General Organa, apparently possessed a map that would help them find Luke Skywalker. Neve and Poe, a pilot and a good friend of Neve's, were being sent to acquire the map.

Neve sat in bed for a moment, staring blankly at the wall in front of her. She took a minute to enjoy the silence. Life on D'Qar was typically chaotic. There were always people buzzing around doing something. Silence was a rare occurrence.

Neve threw the blankets off of her legs, the cold air welcoming the newly exposed skin. It sent shivers through her body, but at the same time relaxed her. It reminded her of her home planet.

The redheaded woman pulled herself out of her bed. She showered and readied herself slowly, savoring the calm atmosphere. She knew that once she left her room, it'd be a while before there was another calm moment.

She stood in a towel as she dug through her clothes, searching for something to wear. It had to accommodate Jakku's hot weather. As she grabbed some clothes, she couldn't help but miss the simplicity of having one designated outfit. _'Like at the academy.'_ She thought.

She quickly dismissed those thoughts. She dressed, pulled her boots on, and buckled her saber holster. The holster wrapped around her waist, as well as around her right thigh. She liked it, it made her lightsaber easy to reach. Although it did make her weapon rather obvious. It didn't matter much around the base, but on missions she preferred to conceal it.

Before she exited her room, she retrieved said lightsaber. After the massacre at the academy, she had to make a new one. Her old one had been abandoned, undoubtedly melted in the fire. She placed the weapon into its holster and exited the comfort of her room.

She was immediately greeted by the hustle and bustle of the Resistance. Everyone was running around, doing whatever their job was.

Neve pushed through, making her way to the make shift canteen the Resistance had set up, a place she'd only been in a handful of times. But she knew Poe would be there. He would always invite her to spend meals with him and his squadron.

Upon entering, Neve's eyes moved around the crowded, rowdy room, searching for the man. Her eyes quickly found the pilot, spotted easily without his usual group around him, which she found on.

"Morning, flyboy," she greeted her colleague as she sat next to him.

Poe considered the two of them to be good friends, although they rarely ever spoke to each other. In truth, Poe didn't even know much about her. He had barely a clue to her past. The only real fact he knew, was that she was Force-sensitive. From Luke's ill-fated academy.

But that was more than what most people knew.

"Morning, Neve. Good to see you in the general population for once."

Neve didn't comment on that, "Did Leia brief you yet?" She inquired instead.

"Yeah. You think you can handle this?" This was about Luke. Poe didn't know their relationship, but at one point Neve had known the Jedi. Poe remembered the first day he'd met her, fresh from the destroyed academy.

Neve's brows furrowed, and her lips formed a frown. They were just looking for a map, that may or not be real. "I can handle it. Can you?"

Poe understood then, how his words came out, so he let the snap go. He inhaled, his lips pressing into a line, "Yeah, I can. I didn't mean for it to sound like--"

"It's fine, I get what you were trying to say." She stopped him, waving her hand dismissively. "What about BB-8?" She offered a chance to shift the tone of their conversation, which Poe eagerly took.

"BB-8's always ready for an adventure." An adventure it would be.

_

The sun was setting when the trio of two humans and a droid arrived on Jakku. Poe hopped out of the X-wing first, having to push and struggle with Neve to squeeze out, as they'd squished themselves into the one seat in the already cramped vehicle. But once he was out of the ship, he turned around and offered his hand to the redhead.

Neve accepted it with a smile, even if she didn't need assistance, and jumped out herself. The orange-and-white droid met them after it removed itself from the ship.

"Alright, now we just need to find this guy," Poe commented as he turned to the village they'd landed just outside of, his hands resting on his hips.

"Should be easy. We just ask someone." Neve shrugged as she took the lead to the village, sand already beginning to fill her boots despite being on the ground for less than a minute.

Though, they didn't need to ask anyone. As soon as they'd stepped foot in the village they were met by an old man, white-haired and dressed in dark robes. "Come," was the only thing he said before turning and walking away.

"Um," Poe looked at Neve for reassurance, to which she only shrugged. Dameron turned back to the retreating man, quickly following after him. "I'm Poe Dameron, this is Ne--"

"I know who you are," the man cut him off without looking back at the two.

"Okay...Are you Lor San Tekka?" At this point, it seemed quite obvious that yes, he was Lor San Tekka. Still, Poe questioned.

"Yes." It was at that point that they'd reached a hut of sorts. The old man paused and pulled the cloth to the side, holding it open for the two.

Neve went in first, Poe taking the time to turn to the droid that had been rolling behind them. "BB-8, I need you to keep watch, alright?" The droid beeped out a happy agreement. Poe smiled at the droid, patting the half-sphere that was its head. "Thanks, buddy." And then he ducked in, San Tekka following immediately after him.

Neve had yet to take a seat, waiting to be given permission to do so. She stood a little hunched, but once Poe was standing next to her, Tekka gestured behind her, giving his consent.

The two of them sat across from the older man, him following the same motions.

"We understand that you possess a map to Luke Skywalker," Poe began, Neve letting him. He was smoother than she was when it came to talking.

"I do. And I'm more than willing to hand it over to the Resistance."

"Really? With no catch?"

"No. I've been good friends with the Princess for a very long time," San Tekka reached into a pocket within his robes then, pulling a small, brown leather pouch.

It was Neve's hand that he reached for, but didn't grab. His fingers gestured for her to surrender her hand, however. Her hand lifted, but hesitated for a moment, before she finally let his hand hold onto her wrist. He placed the pouch in her hands and she could feel the electronic device within. His fingers closed around hers, gently, her own fingers encompassing the pouch.

"This will begin to make things right. I've traveled too far and seen too much to ignore the despair in the galaxy," Lor San Tekka's blue eyes bored into Neve's green ones. "Without the Jedi--" Neve's eyes looked away from his, down at their hands, "there can be no balance in the Force."

Tekka went quiet then. Neve wasn't sure if he expected her to respond, but there was no way she was going to. She didn't know what to say.

And seeing this, luckily Poe did come up with something to say, "Thanks to you, now we have a chance. The General's been after this for a long time."

"The General, to me she's royalty." The old man offered the two a smile as he spoke.

"Well, she certainly is that. But don't say that to her face. She doesn't like it. Really doesn't like it."

It was then, as Poe talked, that Neve felt something. _'Something's wrong.'_ But before she could say as much, BB-8 rolled in, frantically beeping.

The First Order had arrived. They'd located the map to Skywalker as well.


	3. iii. not anymore

**"You have to hide,"** Poe told San Tekka

"You need to leave," the old man countered, "Go!"

Poe turned to Lor San Tekka, his eyes glancing briefly to Neve. He was conflicted. "He's right, Poe, we need to leave. We have the map."

With only a second of hesitation, the two broke off into a sprint back to the X-wing, BB-8 hurriedly rolling behind them.

"Come on, BB-8! Hurry!"

Neve let Poe hop into the X-wing first, BB-8 being pulled into the droid socket. Neve followed in after, squeezing in as much as she could. Poe worked to get the ship started, Neve anxiously watching their surroundings.

A trio of white-clad soldiers came into her view "Poe!" She warned before they were fired at, the attack rocking the ship, effectively disabling it.

"Damn it!" Poe cursed, quickly acting to spin the ship's gun around, firing at the Stormtroopers and eliminating the threat again. Poe tossed his helmet off his head, the two piling out of the ship.

"We need a new plan." The pilot stated, taking a glance around for any signs of danger.

"Oh, real--" Neve cut her own comment off as she had an idea. "BB-8."

"What about BB-8?" Poe questioned, BB-8 itself piping up and repeating what Poe said, only in its own beeps.

Neve crouched in front of the orange and white droid, bringing the small leather pouch into their vision. Reaching in, she pulled out the small artifact. The map. "Take this. It's safer with you than it is with us."

"How is it safer with BB-8 than with us?"

"It's safer because BB-8 is going to take it far away from here." Neve looked up to Poe. "BB-8 can sneak away while we take care of the village." 

Poe nodded, "Good plan." BB-8 beeped its hesitance then, Poe joining Neve in a crouch. "It'll be okay, buddy." It was then that nearby blaster fire reminded them of their current situation. Poe and Neve exchanged a look before standing to their full heights. "We'll come back for you, I promise." Poe gave the droid a reassuring pat before backing away.

"It'll be alright!" Poe called as he and is redheaded friend turned and ran towards the action.

BB-8 let out a beep. A whine. It was scared, but it had a mission. With a sad beep, it turned and began to roll off.

It wasn't long before the pair were spotted, blaster shots whirling past them. Poe raised his weapon and fired, sending the Stormtrooper flying. Neve quickly moved to take the discarded Imperial weapon, Poe covering her as she went for it. 

Neve fired at oncoming troopers as she backed up towards Poe, towards the village. Stormtroopers were dropping, but villagers were dropping faster and being backed up into a group in the center of the village.

Just as Neve contemplated pulling out her lightsaber, she felt something. Something she hadn't felt in a long time. A tightness formed in her chest and she felt as though she was choking on air. "Poe, we have to go!" She declared, her voice laced with an emotion that Poe hadn't heard from her before. 

"What?" Poe asked, not comprehending what she just said. It was then that something big and dark, something ominous appeared in the sky. A ship.

Neve felt it then. The prodding at the Force. He felt her too."Poe! Come on!"

Poe turned back to the woman. "What?" He repeated. "What about the villagers?"

"They're doomed already! And we will be too if we don't go! _Now!_ "

Poe stared at Neve, confused. Who was this? "They're only doomed if we leave, we--" Poe stopped as Neve shook her head, turning to leave. Poe quickly grabbed her wrist. "Neve! You're a Jedi! You can't leave! You save people!"

Neve let out a nervous chuckle. "A Jedi? I'm not a Jedi. Not anymore. I can't save anyone." She shook her head. "I'm sorry, Poe." She pulled her wrist from his grip. If he wasn't coming with her, she was leaving without him. "I'll find BB-8."

She spared a glance to the ship as it landed, tall and dark. Just like him.

"Stay safe." She instructed him before turning, running.

"Neve! Neve!" Poe called for her, "Come back!" He didn't have time to process his emotions as the ramp of the big ship lowered and Poe moved for cover. He kept glancing back to Neve, her form quickly disappearing into the horizon. _'Why, Neve?'_

Poe's gaze snapped back to the ship as a figure stomped down the ramp. This _thing_ was no Stormtrooper and Poe realized then why Neve ran. What that emotion was that he'd never seen in her.

Neve was _scared_.

Poe watched as Lor San Tekka fearlessly faced this...monster. The dark haired captain strained to hear what was being said.

"Look how old you've become." The voice. Deep, mechanical. Inhuman.

"Something far worse has happened to you." 

The masked creature ignored the comment. "You know what I've come for."

"I know where you come from. Before you called yourself Kylo Ren." And so the monster was named.

Kylo Ren continued to ignore the comments of San Tekka, "The map to Skywalker. We know you've found it. And now you're going to give it to the First Order."

"The First Order rose from the dark side...you did not."

Finally ackowledging the old man's comments, Kylo Ren hissed, "I'll show you the dark side."

"You may try, but you cannot deny the truth that is your family."

It was then that Kylo Ren's lightsaber ignited, crackling to life. The saber was red and angry, spitting out sparks. Out from two vents came smaller, equally unstable blades.

That's when Poe hopped over his hiding space and broke into a run.

"You're so right." Kylo Ren's lightsaber quickly came down, ripping through Lor San Tekka.

"No!" Poe cried, raising his blaster and firing.

In a split second Kylo Ren's hand shot out and not only did the bolt freeze, but so did Poe. Two Stormtroopers quickly grabbed Poe and dragged him to face Kylo Ren, kicking his legs out so he had to look up the Sith acolyte.

Kylo Ren crouched before the rebel pilot, head tilting as he looked at him. "The old man gave it to you." Ren mused. But he looked beyond Poe Dameron, turning his head to look where the man had been dragged from. As if he was looking for something.

Someone.

Poe gestured to Ren's mask, "It's just...hard to understand with all the--"

"Search him."

"--Apparatus." Poe mumbled as he was roughly pulled to his feet, two Stormtroopers invading his personal space, only to come up short.

"Nothing, sir." A trooper indicated.

"Put him on board."

A Stormtrooper, towering and menacing in chrome. "Sir, the villagers."

"Kill them all," Kylo Ren ordered the mass execution without skipping a beat.

Neve had been right. The villagers were doomed.

"On my command!" A pause, "Fire!"

Poe tried to ignore the cries of fear, the sounds of blasters firing. He shut his eyes as he was dragged up the ramp, into a transport vehicle. That's when he heard it.

"Search the area for the woman he came with," Kylo Ren ordered a Stormtrooper, something almost urgent in his voice.

Poe's head whipped around best it could. How did he know?

Poe wasn't the only one who heard what he'd said. Another Stormtrooper, with a bloodied helmet looked on. Kylo Ren sensed him, turning to face the man. There was a brief, tense look before Kylo Ren turned, passing the bolt that had been meant to kill him.

After a beat, Poe's bolt was released, decimating a structure near the Stormtrooper, scaring the hell out of him.

___

A Stormtrooper dropped from Poe's disabled X-Wing. "Nothing here. I didn't even see a girl with the rebel. Did you?" He asked the others, free to speak while they were far from Kylo Ren.

"I did. I saw a woman. Redhead, firing at us."

"Yeah, right." A third trooper piped in. "It's just some Force mumbo-jumbo."

"Don't let your mouth get you in trouble," the second trooper warned.

"Whatever. Let's blow it up."

___

Neve was startled by an explosion from behind her. She turned, seeing the flames high in the air. There was an ache, a guilty one as she worried for Poe. She wanted to believe she'd be able to feel if Poe died, but she didn't know.

She wanted to feel hope in the fact that she felt nothing. 

Nothing but Ben Solo. Not Ben Solo. Kylo Ren.

She felt his signature become farther and farther away and she knew he left the planet.

Yet, she didn't feel relieved.

___

Not far from Neve, a certain droid looked on at the same explosion, letting out a sad beep. BB-8 couldn't feel through the Force like Neve did, but it still wanted to hold hope for its friends.

Poe and Neve were alive until proven otherwise.

Or at least, BB-8 attempted to convince itself. With a defeated sigh of a beep, it turned, half-sphere downturned. It had a mission. Keep the map safe.

Poe and Neve would come for the map and the droid.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> these first few chapters won't have much kylo in them, mostly setting things up. but hopefully yall will understand why there's not much kylo...anyway.


	4. iv. he's a monster

_**Leia Organa** had been incredibly difficult to find. Since she'd stepped down from the Senate. Since she'd created the Resistance to fight the growing threat of the First Order. A threat the New Republic refused to acknowledge. A threat that Luke hadn't allowed his students to fully realize, whether it was because he didn't know of it or he didn't think his padawans should know._

_It was difficult, but Neve had found her quickly. All thanks to Ben._

_Ben wrote letters utilizing his calligraphy talent and received letters back from his parents. Or at least his mother, sometimes he'd get a signature from 'Dad'. Han didn't seem like the mushy type. But Neve remembered from the last letter she read over her lover's shoulder._

_The last place Leia was known to be was the Outer Rim planet of Drion. And so that's where Neve and 3PO headed._

_They didn't have an exact location, just the planet. Luckily it was smaller. When the pair landed, Neve managed to ask around the small villages if they knew anything. Despite a language barrier, thanks to 3PO they learned that Leia had been developing a base on the planet, not too far from the villages._

_It was the break of dawn when they'd made it to the base. There was hustle and bustle, people moving about and ignoring Neve and her droid companion._

_All but one._

_A man with a thick head of dark curls, just about Neve's height approached them. His eyes were dark, but seemed kind. Despite the fact that his eyes were narrowed on them. "Excuse me," he spoke, "can I help you?"_

_Neve weakly tried to clear her throat in an effort to not sound so broken as she answered, "I need to see Leia Organa. It's an emergency."_

_Poe Dameron didn't inquire any further, instead nodding his head and gesturing for them to follow._

_Neve followed wordlessly, her hands and body shaking with nerves. Poe kept glancing back at her and the droid, clearly suspicious of them. Or at least, Neve._

_Voices became louder as they approached a room, blast doors open and people moving in and out of it. Neve felt her heart pound harder in her chest. If she didn't know any better, she'd be worried it would jump right out of her body._

_Poe knocked on the open door, "General Organa, someone's here to talk to you, says it's an emergency." He spoke, catching the attention of a small woman who was talking to a handful of other people._

_"Ah, Princess! How lovely to see you again," 3PO greeted excitedly, though Leia paid little attention to the droid._

_One look at the short woman and Neve knew immediately who she was. Neve could see the resemblance between her and her offspring. Neve's eyes welled up, burning so slightly as she fought back her waterworks._

_But Leia and Neve locked eyes and though they'd never met--and she doubted Ben had ever mentioned her, their relationship was forbidden after all--their was such a sense of familiarity. And an understanding that something was very wrong, even if the words hadn't been uttered._

_"Hello, Threepio." She gave a small greeting before turning back to those she was speaking to. "Forgive me, we'll have to continue this discussion later. Poe, could you please clear the room?" Leia's tone was calm, but Neve felt the anxiety encompassing her._

_"Yeah, of course," Poe nodded. "You heard her, everybody, out!" He urged, arms motioning everyone to the door. Poe evacuated the Resistance members quickly, efficiently._

_"Yes, everyone out!" 3PO enforced._

_"You too, buddy." Poe spoke to the droid, gesturing to the door._

_"Oh. Well. Alright." 3PO deflated-as much as a droid made of metals could-and hobbled out of the room._

_Leia offered Poe a small thank you, to which he nodded before following everyone else through the doors, shutting them on the way out._

_The two women stood in silence for a moment, Leia being the one to break it. "It's Ben, isn't it?" Her voice was weak, barely above a whisper. Neve didn't question how Leia knew it already. The Force, she figured._

_But Leia would call it a mother's intuition_.

_Neve blinked slowly, barely being able to will herself to nod. She was tired, confused. All she wanted to do was sleep. Hope to wake up back in bed with Ben. Though she knew that wasn't going to happen. "He's a monster," her voice cracked in the middle of her words, the tears finally spilling, hot as they ran down her cheeks. "He killed them all--Luke, he's gone. I-I," She couldn't continue, sobs overtaking her body._

_She wouldn't think of it until later, how embarrassing it was that this was her first meeting with Leia. With her partner's mother, someone he held in such high esteem, who she hoped one day Ben would introduce them. She supposed in away, he did. Just not in the way she'd have thought._

_Leia ushered Neve into a chair so she didn't tower so much over her and then she wrapped her arms around the redheaded girl, holding her in that motherly way that was just so comforting. How her mother, Breha, used to hold her. How she'd held Ben. And now how she comforted Neve, this girl she knew nothing about but felt so familiar._

_Despite Neve saying Luke was gone, Leia understood that she didn't mean dead. She would have felt that. Luke was missing. But Leia couldn't find it in herself to worry about her brother then. All she could worry about was her son. Where was he? She had suspicions of what happened, but she didn't know when or if they'd be confirmed. She wouldn't question the sobbing girl of what she knew, not yet._

_For the moment, she'd let the girl cry. Let her process. Get her some food, clothes and let her get some rest. Leia had no idea what she'd gone through, but she figured it was a lot. So, Leia simply rested her chin atop the girl's head, rubbing her back and whispering soothing words. As soothing as they could be, anyway. Soothing as they could be when she herself was holding back her emotions._

_Leia saw Poe's head pop up in the viewport of the door. Leia knew she wouldn't explain this full situation to Poe. She trusted him, of course, but some things were perhaps better kept quiet. Once she knew more, she'd decide what she'd tell Poe._

_Neve's weeping became quieter, her body shaking less. The tears slowed, but they still slipped from her green eyes. "I'm so sorry," she whispered against Leia's shoulder._

_"You're fine," She reassured, gently patting the girl's back before parting from her. "Come, let's get you something clean to wear, find you a bed. Are you hungry? " Leia's hands found the girl's forearms, helping her to stand._

_Neve nodded, but she thought Leia would want to know about the events that occurred first. "I should tell you what happened, though."_

_The_ _General shook her head. "Later. I need to reach out to somebody who I think needs to be here when you tell me." She had to call for Han, who was off on an excursion with Chewbacca. "What's your name?"_

_Neve hadn't realized until then that she never even introduced herself. "My name is Neve Corisande."_

_"Well, Neve, I'm Leia Organa. But you already knew that."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> flashback chapter ahhh miss leia ahhh


	5. v. goodnight, neve

_**"I had no idea we had the best pilot in the Resistance on board."**_ Kylo Ren's mocking voice was the first thing Poe heard as he regained consciousness. "Comfortable?"

Poe breathed in, a ragged breath, "Not really."

He went ignored, though, as Ren stalked forwards. "I'm impressed. No one has been able to get out of you what you _did_ with the map." But that wasn't what the Commander was after. That's what his master wanted, sure, and he'd get it. But he had something else on his list.

"Might wanna rethink your technique."  
  
Ren blinked behind his mask, a beat passing before his hand extended, not quite touching the pilot. "Where's the girl?" 

That threw Poe off guard, again. That Ren asked for her, not the map. And he'd known Neve was Poe's accomplice back on Jakku, when he hadn't even seen her. Was it the Force? Something he didn't understand?

Poe's mind immediately going to Neve made it easy for Kylo Ren when he forced himself into the pilot's head. The train of thought was easy to grasp onto, to follow until he got what he wanted. 

Images of Neve bombarded not only Kylo's mind, but the memories were forced to be replayed in Poe's head, too. Images of Neve from the morning before they left for Jakku. Memories of spotting Neve around the base.

He hadn't seen her in so long. Not since that night so long ago. Memories were only vague, distant and blurry, but she still looked so _different_. So grown. And the thought of her still made Kylo Ren's heart race.

Poe's screams, cries of pain as his mind was intruded weren't even registered by Ren, his mind focused only on one thing.

One memory made him pause. Linger too long. He recognized that Neve. Stumbling, wet, dirty. Much younger than the previous memories he'd rifled through. From the night he became Kylo Ren, the Jedi Killer. He lingered too long on the image of Neve, his Neve. Poe noticed

Ren noticed that he did, and he was quick to move on. "She left you on Jakku. She has the map, doesn't she?" Kylo interrogated, his words meaning to bring those thoughts to the forefront of Poe's mind. Flashes of orange. Hair, fire, the sun setting, the paint of a droid.

_'I'm not a Jedi. Not anymore.'_

Intriguing.

_'I'll find BB-8.'_

"Ah," Kylo mused, "The droid has the map." And Neve went after the droid. Abruptly, Kylo Ren retracted from the other man's mind. Stalked out of the room just as quick, leaving the pilot slumped, panting, and in pain.

Upon Kylo's exit, the Commander confronted the awaiting General. "It's in a droid. A BB unit."

"If it's on Jakku then we shall soon have it."

"It's in the company of a girl. I want her brought to me, unharmed."

General Hux's interest was piqued, a solitary eyebrow lifted. "Ren--"

" _Unharmed_ ," Ren commanded, a threat underlying in his words. His authority not to be questioned, even if they were, technically, equals. "I leave that to you."

-

Neve decided she'd been walking entirely too long without any sign of life, civilization, or BB-8. The night was ending, the sun rising and turning the sky and the desert a nice shade of orange. Much like her hair. 

It wouldn't be long before the sun settled high in the sky, its rays beating down on her skin. Leaving a wash of red irritation over her skin. The sun and the heat never were her friends. She came from a snow planet, where her skin would be red from blood rushing to warm her. Not burn her.

But the burn of her skin didn't compete with the pain she felt in her chest. The guilt of what she'd done weighed heavy on her shoulders, her thoughts had been haunting her throughout the entire night and into the day.

She'd left them.

She'd left Poe, the villagers.

They had needed her. She was the only one who gave them a fighting chance, and she knew that. Yet she still left. 'You coward. What's wrong with you? You weren't trained like this.' The voice in her head berated her.

She thought of Luke. Her and Ben--Kylo's teacher. Neve never thought he'd failed Ben, but he did fail her. He'd left her when she needed someone to stay. Ben had abandoned her, then Luke followed, leaving nothing behind but a protocol droid and a dead R2 unit. 'Wasn't I, then? Trained like this?' To abandon. A voice of doubt filled her head, a voice that didn't sound like her own.

Exposure was getting to her. She was exhausted and fatigued. Thirstier than she'd ever been before. Her body ached and her skin burned. 'Just sit, rest for a moment.' She told herself, collapsing into the sand. 

The granular material offered her no reprieve, the sand being painfully hot. But she had to weigh the benefits. Endure added heat for a few moments to rest her bones. 

She rolled onto her back, eyes closing to block the Jakku sun from her eyes. She sighed, the tension in her body releasing as she exhaled. A mistake, that was. Once her eyes closed, she couldn't will them to open. Exhaustion took over, as she slowly lost awareness, her abusive thoughts silencing as she drifted into unconsciousness...

-

Neve awoke to the sound of dragging, to the sound of sand crunching underneath her. She could feel her body moving. Her eyes felt as they were glued closed when she pried them open. The light from the sun burned her retinas, making her squint against the light. There were no solid objects, only blurry things blocking the sun in some parts. It looked like...rope?

"Breeeee!" Something wailed from somewhere right before something collided with Neve's body. The woman groaned, moving to push the thing away, only to realize she couldn't. Her limbs were restricted.

She felt around, the abrasive texture of braided fibers greeting her hands. Rope. But it was patterned...it enclosed her. 'Net.' Net?

Her ears were assaulted by a series of beeps and whirs, some sort of sawing noise, the sun being blocked by a spherical shape. A still shape. She wasn't moving anymore.

Before she could open her mouth do grumble something, the wailing started again, the round object escaping her vision. The wail was accompanied by speaking...something aggressive and foreign to Neve. And those panicked beeps. They reminded Neve of something. Reminded her of BB-8.

BB-8! That was BB-8! She'd finally found him!

Her eyes shot all the way open then, taking in her surroundings. She confirmed that she was in a net. And that BB-8 was also being trapped in one by some alien creature. 

Neve immediately reached for her lightsaber, only to find it missing. She could have sworn her heart stopped in that second. "Hey!" She shouted, reaching her hands through the net, now that she was coordinated. She grabbed a fistful of sand, tossing it towards BB-8 and the creature. As if it would do anything.

The creature turned its attention towards her, now that the droid was captured. It came at her, shouting at her in its native language. As it neared her, she caught a glimpse of her missing item, strapped on the waist of the alien. 

"Let me go!" She yelled at it, her hand outstretching. She saw her way out then. 

The Force was something that surrounded and lived in everything, that few people could tap into and manipulate in good or bad ways. The light and the dark. Neve wasn't sure where she fit on that spectrum anymore.

But at that moment the light and dark sides didn't matter. The only side Neve wanted to be on was the free side. And the Force could get her there.

It wasn't something she used often. Or at all, really, since she was a Jedi in training. No more than feeling her surroundings. She found the more she used it the more _at risk_ she was. Of his intrusion. The more they could feel each other.

But then, Neve let a small instance of the Force be used to wiggle her lightsaber free, drawing it right to her hand. She felt a brief moment of success when the metal connected with her palm, her fingers grasping around it. It was brief because another metal also connected with her, this time on her head. The teedo swung its staff, bringing it right down on the top of Neve's head and effectively knocking her unconscious again.

BB-8 cried out again, fighting against the net to try and get to Neve as the alien grabbed ahold of BB-8's trap, trying to drag it back to the luggabeast.

"Tal'ama parqual!" A voice broke through the droid and the alien's quarrel, causing them both to quiet. "Paqual zatana!" The voice belonged to a young girl, BB-8 identified.

The creature shouted something back to her, the droid's head swiveling to watch the both of them. The new girl pulled out a knife, marching towards them. She lowered to her knees beside BB-8, cutting him out of the net. The assaulting alien kept shouting at her as she did so, and she abruptly stood, pointing the weapon at him. "Noma."

The creature cursed at her, returning to its ride and hobbling off, Neve left behind. BB-8 didn't think the alien realized that BB-8 had managed to cut her free from the beast before being chased off.

As the girl pulled the net off of BB-8, it asked her a question. "That was Teedo. He has no respect for anyone," she told the astromech, glaring off in the direction of said Teedo. She turned back to BB-8. "Your antenna's bent." She observed, extending her arm to fix it. "Where do you come from?" 

BB-8 beeped. "Classified, really? Me too. Big secret." Rey pointed. "Niima outpost is that way, stay off Kelvin Ridge." She stood. "Keep away from the Sinking Fields in the north, you'll drown in the sand."

BB-8 beeped out, telling her to wait. "What?" BB-8 turned, rolling off towards the redhead passed out in the sand. How had Rey not noticed her? She supposed the redhead wasn't visible from coming over the hill. The brunette quickly followed after the droid. 

One of BB-8's arm extensions shot out, grabbing hold of the lightsaber in Neve's limp hand and urgently shoved it into her waistband, covering it with her shirt. BB-8 knew that it had to protect Neve while she was unconscious, and apart of that was making sure no one knew who or what she was. Could be dangerous.

Rey kneeled next to the droid and a knocked out Neve a beat after, "Do you know her?" The scavenger asked, BB-8 beeping out a yes. "Right." Rey stared at the sleeping form of the redhead for a moment before sighing. BB-8 let out a cautious beep, asking Rey if she'd help them.

"Fine. Come on, help me drag her. The both of you leave in the morning."

-

Neve's eyes fluttered open, blinking the sleep from her eyes. Her eyes squinted as she tried to remember where she was. The sky was dark with a slight, wavering illumination coming from somewhere out of her line of sight.

Only the sky wasn't the sky.

It was a ceiling. A dark, metal ceiling.

Neve shot into a sitting position, immediately regretting it as her vision became fuzzy and her head spun. BB-8 let out an excited beep, relieved that she was finally awake. "BB-8?" Her vision cleared, eyes landing on the droid before they wandered. It was some sort of metal structure, decorated as if it were a home. There were plenty of bits and bobs, a lot of makeshift furniture, appliances, and things of the like. 

The creak of an old, heavy door opening was heard, Neve's gaze darting to the form entering. "You're finally awake," the form said, the voice sounding feminine. 

The form finally came into the little light there was, revealing a girl. Brown haired, hazel eyed. She had a sweet face, yet Neve detected there was a toughness to her. "I am," Neve spoke cautiously.

The girl proceeded to tear open a packet of something, pouring it into a little dish of water. In the blink of an eye it transformed into some bread like ball, the girl grabbing it and outstretching her hand, offering it to Neve. "I'm Rey," The girl introduced herself.

Neve gingerly took the bread from the girl. "Neve," she replied before pulling the bread apart, splitting it in half. She offered the other half to the girl. Rey looked like she needed it more than her. 

"Thanks." Rey mumbled, taking the half back.

"No, thank you." 

"Thank your droid, BB-8's the one that convinced me to bring you back here." Rey deflected, sitting on the floor across from Neve, who had been laying on Rey's cot.

Though, Neve knew better. Rey made the decision herself. "Right. Though, BB-8's not my droid..." Neve's voice trailed off quietly, remembering whose droid BB-8 was.

BB-8 beeped, asking about said owner. It asked where Poe was, if he was alright. Both things Neve couldn't answer. So she shook her head, "I don't know." The astromech let out a long, sad beep.

All of them sat in silence for a few minutes. "So, Rey. Do you live here alone?" Neve questioned to break the silence.

"Yes," the way Rey said it was sad, Neve could tell there was something deeper, more personal there. "I asked BB-8 where the two of you came from. He said it was classified." Rey questioned, fishing for more information.

"Really?" Neve glanced to BB-8. "I suppose that's true. We were working and...something happened. We were separated from Poe, BB-8's master. My friend." BB-8 beeped, saying Poe would come back for them. Poe would find them. "Maybe. I think we'll have to find him, though."

Rey leaned forward, "Are you with the Resistance?" She questioned, a glint in her eye. Something so excited about the possibility. Neve knew she probably should have lied, but she couldn't.

Not to that face.

Neve only nodded, but that was enough to make Rey break out into a grin. "Woah. I've never met anyone from the Resistance before."

"Well, now you have." Rey's smile was infectious, all Neve could do was smile herself. 

It seemed as though almost instantly Rey warmed up to the older woman. "Where are you from? What planet?" Rey asked. She always wondered what other planets were like. What was out there. She knew only Jakku, a place that she couldn't leave.

Her home planet wasn't something Neve thought of terribly often. She had plenty of bad memories of the place. But still, she had a few good. And despite her memories of the planet, it was still her home. "I'm from a planet called Beruda Five. It's very small and very cold."

"What's it like there? Are there a lot of people?"

"Well, most of the planet is mountains and frozen ocean, but where there are people, there's a lot." Densely packed. "There's a lot more wildlife than people, though."

"And there's snow?"

"Definitely. There's only a period of one month every four years, usually, where there's no snow." When the planet orbited close to its sun. Even then, it was still cold and wet.

"I've never seen snow before. What's it like?"

The two girls conversed like that for what seemed like hours. Rey asking questions about Neve and planets. Neve would ask Rey questions like how old she was and what she liked to do for fun, things that moved around what made Rey sad. That she was all alone here.

Rey was a very curious girl. Very smart, too. Neve wanted to know more about the girl, as she had so much potential. Neve thought that Rey was the kind of person who would thrive by traveling around the galaxy, feeding her curiosity. Yet she wasn't. Something was holding her back.

But of course, Neve would only know Rey for the night. She and BB-8 would leave in the morning to hunt for Poe and wouldn't see Rey again.

"It'll be morning in a few hours."

"BB-8 and I will leave then. We'll get out of your hair." Neve assured.

"Right. You have Resistance business to take care of." Rey mumbled, almost sad. "We should all get some rest." She decided, that contrived standoffish quality returning to her, steeling herself away for some reason.

"Yes, we should. Thank you, again, Rey. For letting us stay here."

Rey only nodded before wandering off, grabbing a pillow and a spare blanket to make her bed off in the corner.

BB-8 beeped out a goodnight to both women, saying it would keep watch. "Thank you, BB-8." Neve gave the droid a pat on its half-sphere head. "Goodnight, buddy. Goodnight, Rey." There was no answer for a few moments, so Neve leaned back, pulling the blanket over her.

Neve had nearly drifted back to sleep when she heard a quiet, "Goodnight, Neve."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> neve said zzz


	6. vi. don't fight it

**"Neve,"** _a distinct, deep voice called out to her. It was_ that _voice. The voice that made her chest tighten. It was_ his _voice. That deep, rumbling tone of his. But there was something so different about it now. Something dark. Cold._

_Sad._

_And it sounded far away. Not as if he had been lost in thought, but as if he were physically far away._

_And that's where she wanted him to be. Far away._

_She looked around at her surroundings, only to find herself surrounded by darkness. The vastness of space and the stars that littered it. Her brows scrunched, confused. She wasn't floating through in a ship, she was just..._

_There._

_She looked down at her feet, only to find she was standing on nothing. How was this possible? How had she gotten there? Why?_

_"Neve." His voice cut through her thoughts, her endless questions with no answers. Yet. "I can feel you again." His voice seemed to almost move through her ears. As if he was walking around her. She could hear him release a breath, shakily. And she could swear she felt it against her skin, sending a shiver up her spine._

_She felt like she could feel him. All of him. Every twitch and every blink. Every breath, even something as subtle as hair moving out of place._

_She quickly regained her composure, shaking her head. No. This wasn't good._

_The only time Neve had ever felt him through the Force before was when they were on the same planet. And now she wasn't on any planet at all. 'I have to be on Jakku still.' It wasn't possible for her to be in the middle of space. No ship. Standing on nothing at all. But what was this? This was unlike any dream she'd had before._

_She turned herself around and began walking, as if she'd find her way out by doing that. As if she was walking away from him, even though she had no idea where he was._

_"Don't fight it." She heard his voice again, but it wasn't any further away. And it wasn't any closer, either._

_She clenched her jaw, breaking out into a run instead. She just wanted to scream at him to go away._

_She ran and she ran and she was getting nowhere. There was nothing. No way out. No doors, no ships. No one._

_She stopped, shutting her eyes and clenching them tight. Her hands came up, clamping over her eyes. She inhaled deeply, holding it, and then exhaling. She did that again and again until she regained control over her breathing._

_She let her hands fall from her eyes, but her eyelids stayed shut. She listened. Everything was quiet. No noises. No voices._

_She took a deep breath again, holding it just as she had been. As she exhaled, she let her eyelids relax and flutter open._

_Only for her breath to catch in her throat, her eyes widening to a size comparable to the mass of Bespin._

_She struggled to form a thought, to observe her surroundings. To understand who was in front of her. She struggled to and she didn't have time to._

_"Neve--"_

_-_

Neve shot straight up out of bed, gasping for air, hand clutching her chest. She felt something snap in her head, in her body. Almost like a rubber band being pulled taut and tearing as it was stretched too far.

Sweat dripped down her forehead, down her cheek. She wiped it away, her skin actually hot to the touch.

She looked around her, Rey's little home looking much different than it did the night before. The sun peaked through the holes and cracks in the structure, illuminating the room. Dust and sand particles floated about.

There was no sign of Rey or BB-8, but Neve's concern was thwarted when her gaze landed on a little piece of scrap metal with a note etched into it. _Out. Water for you._ It was clear Rey hadn't wasted much time in writing a letter for her, but Neve was okay with that.

Next to the note had been a tiny cup of water. It wasn't much, but Neve was grateful for it, eagerly taking the cup in her hands. She took a nice sip of the water before pouring a little bit into her hands, splashing her face with it. She ran what little moisture was left on her hands over her hair, effectively cooling her down, even if the water was lukewarm at best.

Her skin had been on fire.

Neve took her moment alone to think.

Think about her dream that hadn't felt like a dream. What she could remember of it, anyway.

Ben--no. It was Kylo. She'd opened her eyes and she had been face to face with the man. More like face to mask, as she had stared into a dark nothingness where his eyes should have been. She knew they were there, but they were under that awful helmet.

He towered over her, though that was nothing new. He stood, hulking. Tense. Radiating that power that she always knew he had. But the way he said her name. It contradicted everything he was trying to portray, physically.

The way he said her name...she hadn't heard him utter it in years. Even if it was altered by the distorter in his mask, it was just so familiar. It made her chest tighten, her breathing becoming erratic again. Her heart ached.

And she hated how it did.

But she tried not to be hard on herself. She was in love with Ben. Not the man who slaughtered an entire village. Likely kidnapped her friend and tortured him for information. Killed him. Who killed their peers.

With every diabolical thing she listed off in her head, she sunk further into guilt, into pain. For feeling the way she did.

All the emotions she'd worked hard to repress since she saw him in the village--stars, all the emotions she repressed since he'd left her in the rain all those years ago--came welling up. Burning her eyes, restricting her breathing.

Her teeth clenched tightly, as she forced the assaulting emotions back. Now was not the time. She didn't know if there'd ever be a time.

But with the chance that Kylo had actually reached her, somehow, and knew where she was? She knew she and BB-8 had to leave. And quickly. Before her past led trouble right to Rey's doorstep, the girl who so kindly helped Neve. Even though she shouldn't have.

Pulling herself up from the cot, she adjusted her clothes, her lightsaber clattering to the ground as she did so. _'BB-8.'_ She credited the droid. She returned it to its designated holster. She needed to find that droid, so they could get going. And find Rey, to say goodbye.

Neve strode towards the door that she assumed was the exit, as it had been the one Rey had came in from that night. Though, she paused mid-stride. Her eyes caught a wall, a wall of tally marks. So many, entirely too many for Neve to even be able to estimate how many there were. What had Rey been keeping track of with those marks? Neve would likely never know, now.

Her steps to leave were slower now, as she looked around one last time at Rey's little home, truly curious as to how the girl ended up there. The last thing Neve's eyes caught sight of before she made her exit was a little toy Rebel pilot. Clearly homemade.

-

Neve stepped out, her pupils struggling to adjust to the sun for a moment. But once she did, she observed where she was.

She stood atop a sand dune, staring down at the little village not far from there. That's when she caught a glimpse of what she had actually been sleeping in.

Her eyes followed a metal leg, all the way to where she had just come from. The body of a downed AT-AT. No doubt left over from the Battle of Jakku, years ago. But Rey had been living in it. Alone, for who knows how long. Did she convert it into her own little home herself? There was so much she wanted to know, but wouldn't have time to learn.

Neve began her descent into town to find Rey and BB-8.

Sand filled her boots as she stumbled through, moving about the little tents set up as shops or work spaces as her eyes scanned each one for the orange-and-white droid or Rey's three buns.

Finally, she found the girl and the droid, front of the line at the trading post. Neve made a bee line, walking right past the beings in line behind Rey. A few spewed what Neve assumed to be curses at her, as if she was skipping in line. Not that it really mattered.

"-60 portions." The alien manning the post grumbled, laying out an enormous pile of blue, hexagonal portions. Neve quietly settled into place beside the shorter woman and the droid as Rey marveled over the quantity. BB-8 let out a beep, resembling something sorrowful. Neve's brows furrowed.

"Rey?" It was meant as a greeting but came out as a question, Neve wondering what was going on. Rey's hazel eyes locked onto Neve's green ones, confliction swimming in her irises. Another set of eyes locked onto Neve, the eyes of Unkar Plutt. Recognition in his eyes went unnoticed by either of the girls.

"The droid's not for sale." Rey declared, holding Neve's gaze for a moment longer before turning back to Unkar Plutt. Out of the stockpile of portions presented, Rey grabbed only one, not even a full portion. "Let's go," Rey's voice was soft as she nodded off in a direction. She took the lead, Neve and BB-8 following after.

"He wanted BB-8?" Neve questioned, to confirm her theory. She wondered if BB-8 was wanted for parts or if the First Order knew BB-8 had the map. If they had Poe, if they didn't kill him, they most certainly would have tortured him.

Poe wouldn't talk. She knew that. Poe was entirely too loyal. But she knew his willingness to talk didn't matter. Not when there was someone who could take the information straight from Poe's head.

"He did. I've never seen so many portions in my life," Rey mused, before shaking her head. "But I wasn't going to do it." She insisted, even though the both of them knew Rey had thought about it. But Neve wasn't upset with her.

Neve had seen how many portions there had been. She could just imagine how long that could keep Rey eating. And Rey had accepted barely a fraction of that. Neve felt a tightening in her throat at that thought. Neve shook her head, red hair swinging with the motion, "I know, Rey. I know." Her tone was soft, coated lightly with the forgiveness Rey sought. Though, Neve knew there was nothing to be forgiven.

Rey just wanted to survive.

Neve inhaled sharply through her nose, coming to a halt. "Rey," the brunette stopped as well, turning to face the taller woman. "BB-8 and I, we have to go." The disappointment was clear in Rey. In the way her shoulders slumped ever so slightly. In the way her brow furrowed and her lips settled into a pouty frown.

There was something so familiar about that look.

Neve knew she couldn't leave Jakku without trying, at the very least, to get Rey to join her. She knew the risks. That the First Order could find them. That Kylo Ren could. But Neve felt she could protect her. She wanted to get Rey to the Resistance, where whether she'd eat that night wouldn't be something Rey would have to worry about. Where she could shower and sleep and feel safe.

"We have to go, but--"

"Oi!" Rey cried as Neve was grabbed, arms wrapped around her. Rey's grip on her staff shifted, ready to whack the mysterious assaulter, only for herself to be grabbed around the waist and hoisted off the ground. "Neve!"

Neve's eyes were wide as her boots were no longer buried in sand. Rey was manhandled, BB-8 trapped under a net, panic set in. Anger set in. Her instincts kicked in.

Neve's arms were restricted by her assailant, but her legs were free to flail. Her heel swung back to kick the cloaked creature where the knee of a human would be, the attacker's grip loosening just enough. Neve slipped lower, her arms regaining just enough movement to grip onto the creature's arms. She swung her legs forward, and with the help of the Force, throwing her weight in the same direction.

With her feet firmly planted in the sand and a determined cry, she flung the being over her shoulder, dust flying as it hit the ground. Hard.

Neve's attention immediately snapped to Rey, to help her, only to see the girl striking another masked assailant down with her staff.

Both girls panted as they looked at each other, assessing the other to see if they were in good health before they dropped to their knees to free BB-8.

BB-8 shouted, frantically, nodding its half-sphere head in the direction beyond Neve. "Poe's jacket?" Neve questioned as Rey looked over Neve's shoulder, her freckled face scrunching into a determined snarl as she charged past Neve.

Neve whipped around to watch the girl stalk towards a young man, his eyes widening as he realized she was coming for him. And he was, indeed, wearing Poe's jacket.

Neve was quick to follow, somehow not losing Rey as the younger girl weaved in and out of the outpost setups—a shortcut, Neve realized as Rey cut the young man off, knocking him down with her staff. "What's your hurry, thief?" Rey interrogated, keeping her staff pointed at his face.

"Thief? What—" BB-8 rolled up quickly, an arm shooting out to zap this new man, "Ow, hey!"

"The jacket," Neve settled next to Rey, gazing down upon him, but not in anger. She was confused, curious. And she sensed...something about him. In him. "The droid says you stole it."

"I've had a really messed up day, alright? So I'd appreciate if you two stop accusing me—ow!" BB-8 zapped him again, to which Neve shoved the droid away with her leg.

The droid beeped its protest, annoyed.

"Where'd you get it? It belongs to his master," Rey continued.

He looked up at them, analyzing them. He sighed, heavily, "It belonged to Poe. Poe Dameron, that was his name, right?" Rey and Neve exchanged a look. "He was captured by the First Order—"

"No," Neve mumbled under her breath, this man confirming what she feared. She had a shred of hope that Poe had gotten off Jakku with only a few scratched, but that hope was dashed quickly.

"—I helped him escaped, but our ship crashed," he paused a beat, "Poe didn't make it."

"No," Neve shook her head. No, no. Poe couldn't be dead. She'd have felt it, felt the loss of her friend. Or maybe she wouldn't. She wasn't sure anymore, having disconnected herself from the Force for so long. She didn't know the Force anymore.

This was all her fault. She could have stopped this. But she didn't. _'You're no better than Luke.'_

"Look, I tried to help him. I'm sorry," BB-8 beeped sadly, rolling off with its head down. Neve's hand quickly tangled itself into her hair, wanting to rip it out as she wordlessly turned away, stumbling some distance to have a moment to herself.

That left Finn and Rey alone for a moment. Finn stood, brushing sand off of him. "Are you with the Resistance?" Rey questioned, to which Finn nodded. "If you're with the Resistance, why didn't Neve recognize you?"

Finn blinked, flustered with the question and trying not to show it. "Well, there's a few different bases all over the galaxy, we weren't at the same one."

"Oh." That made sense. "BB-8 told me they were on a secret mission. That they have to get back to their base."

"The droid's caring a map to Luke Skywalker, apparently. Everyone's after it."

The way Rey's eyes lit up with curiousity, unbelieving. "Luke Skywalker? I thought he was a myth."

BB-8's beeps captured everyone's attention.

"What is it, BB-8?" Neve questioned, eyes on the droid.

The new guy seemed to spot the issue before anyone else, though. Neve quickly behind as BB-8 told her to look. Stormtroopers. And they were looking in their direction.

"Come on!" Finn grabbed Rey's hand, as she was the closest to him, and broke into a run in the opposite direction.


	7. vii. just run

**_'Left.'_**

_'Right.'_

_'Block.'_

_'Strike.'_

_The clash of training sabers, heavy breathing were the only sounds heard in the dead of night. That, and their noises of frustration as neither one of them could seem to land a hit on the other. Neve and Ben slashed at each other with their sabers. They were only for training, nothing actually came of being hit by one. No injuries, no risk of losing a hand. Just practice._

_But every swing from Neve's saber, Ben blocked. Every jab from Ben's, Neve pushed away. Both of them were aggravated by it, and they fed off each other's frustration._

_Neve saw Ben's arm reel back, in preparation to swing his saber, before he actually reeled back. It gave her enough time to duck, roll backwards and away from him. When Ben's saber collided with nothing, not even Neve's, he growled out his annoyance. "How are you doing that?"_

_The woman pushed herself back onto her feet as she came out of her roll, raising her saber again, "You're giving yourself away, Ben!" She twirled her saber before coming at him again, only to be dodged, her saber knocked away by his._

_"Says you."_

_"Says me?"_

_A quest to prove him wrong would only go on to fail._

_Her advancements came quickly, feverish, in an attempt to throw Ben off. She threw her whole body into it, breaking from the form Master Luke used to train them. Master Luke wasn't around to call her out on it._

_And Ben would have to admit that the onslaught threw him off, the sudden vibration of aggression that came from Neve, that invaded his own head, that threw him off. But at the same time, he fed off of it. Her belligerence fueled him, filled his mind, and movements passed through his thoughts seconds before she moved. As if he was witnessing her plan them out._

_Ben stumbled back, saber clashing with hers as she attacked, nearly tripping over his own feet. But he caught himself, the Force helping to steady him. To push back against her. Neve grew angrier, sloppier as she was desperate to win the game they were playing. But it was making her easier to predict, slower. Each block of her saber hit harder, sweat dripping from Neve's hairline as she struggled to maintain her stability. As Neve drew back to try and regain her composure, Ben's training saber hit her wrist, twisting and catching with the hilt of her own saber. It was tossed from her hand, spiraling out of sight. Ben attempted a final strike, to secure his win, but Neve's now free hand caught his wrist this time, preventing the saber from colliding with her. His other hand moved to pry hers away, only for her to grasp that hand too._

_Ben, physically, was much stronger than her. But with the Force, they could keep up with each other._

_His fingers completely encircled her wrist, tightly. He could feel her pulse against his palm. She tried to match him, of course, but the length of her fingers fell short. Her grip wasn't as tight._

_They stood in silence, in the near dark. The light of the moon, the training saber, reflecting in their eyes. Eyes that stayed locked on each other. They panted, and for a second their breathing synchronized. The two began to realize that their practice, their little game, had come to an end. Arguably, Ben was the winner. But neither one of them cared to declare who one._

_Their stances relaxed, their arms grew tired. Their arms fell from their position, but neither Ben or Neve let go of the other. With their postures eased, they found themselves leaning closer to one another, their heavy breathing quieting. Neve felt a sudden wave of exhaustion wash over her, and feeling safe with their game over, her eyes fluttered closed, relishing in the feeling of her surroundings. And Ben watched her, eyes running over her face routinely, as it was something he'd done many a time. Her face, it didn't change, but he never grew tired of looking at her nonetheless. He was enraptured by her, and he found himself gravitating closer._

_Neve, even with her eyes closed, she felt as though she could see him. See him coming closer and closer until she felt his breath fan across her face. Her own breath caught in her throat in anticipation._

_Suddenly, Ben tensed. She felt a change in him, a tension. Distress. His hand abruptly released her wrist, and he pulled his other hand from her grip. Neve's eyes opened, Ben's face tense, but otherwise unreadable. "Ben--"_

_"You're tired. You should go to bed."_

_Neve blinked. He didn't want to talk about it, that much she could gather. She didn't press. "Walk me back?"_

_"No. You should walk back on your own. We can't risk anyone seeing us."_

_"But we were just training, we can't get in trouble for that."_

_"We can. Go, it's late. I'll put the sabers back."_

_"I--Okay. I'll see you...?" She trailed, wondering if he'd find his way to her room tonight?_

_"Tomorrow. In the morning." He was being short with her, and her brow furrowed. Did she do something?_

_"Fine. Goodnight, Ben."_

_-_

Finn and Rey bickered behind Neve as she took the lead in running, something about holding hands. In that moment, Neve didn't think it mattered. They were being shot at, after all. "Just _run_!" She cried back to them.

"I-" Rey began to argue back, only to be interrupted by the need to jump away from a blaster bolt, glad it was sand scattering into the air and not blood or flesh. "This way!" Rey called out, causing Neve to backtrack and turn to catch up with them.

Finn, Neve, and BB-8 followed Rey as she weaved them through tents and people. Neve's head whipped back, to try and catch sight of the troopers after them. She saw nothing, but wasn't going to wait around for them to catch up.

The group dipped into a tent at their first opportunity, allowing them a chance to catch their breath. Though, while the girls panted, Finn never stopped moving. He searched the tiny tent for something. "They're shooting at all of us!" Rey exclaimed, surprised that _she_ had been shot at too.

"Yeah, they saw you with me. You're marked."

"Well, thanks for that!"

"I'm not the one that chased-"

"Enough!" Neve hushed them, though both looked like they wanted to argue back at her. Only Finn's expression turned, intense. "Hey-"

"Shush!" He urged, his ears honing in on something. And then again, he grabbed Rey's hand.

"Stop taking my hand!"

But Finn only pulled her up, Neve following suit. And again, they ran.

Only, they didn't make it far. Not when a shot from an overhead TIE sent them flying in different directions.

Neve's ears rang, and she was dizzy from the impact of her hitting the ground. Too much action in such little time. It wasn't good for her. _'The others!'_ Her mind reminded her, and as she scrambled to her knees, her newfound companions were already scrambling towards her.

No words were exchanged, the relief they all felt when looking at each other--alive and alert--apparent in their eyes.

And then they're off.

Rey led the way, the others unaware of where she was leading them until a gathering of ships were spotted. A ship, of course they needed one. They couldn't outrun TIEs. "What about a pilot?" Neve called to her others. Could either of them fly? Neve could...but she wasn't confident in her ability to navigate them out of this one.

"We have one!" Rey replied, as if it were obvious.

"You?" Both Finn and Neve were simultaneous in their questioning. 

"What about that one?" Finn asked, pointing off to a ship.

"That one's garbage!" Rey insisted, continuing her run straight ahead.

The garbage made Neve do a double take, and she all but froze in her running. She knew that ship. From a long time ago, she knew it. It couldn't be...that meant...

Actually, Neve wasn't sure what it meant, not exactly. But she had ideas. Either way, she broke from her reverie as BB-8 rolled right into her, slipping around her legs to keep up with Rey and Finn. Beeping urgently at Neve all the while. So she started running again, but not with her companions.

She ran towards the Millennium Falcon.

She heard an explosion behind her, throwing a glance behind her to see another ship flaming, the one Rey, Finn, and BB-8 had been heading towards. But luckily, the three were unharmed and had turned to follow after her. 

Neve sprinted up the ramp, eyes moving around quickly, looking for the owner of the ship. But there was no one coming to object their presence and Neve darted to the upward gunning position. She could do that. Finn found the lower and before they knew it, Rey had them speeding through the sky, TIEs hot on their tail.

Neve could hear Finn and Rey yelling to each other, but her mind was far from them. A blank focus on the targeting system in front of her, she shot as best she could at the TIEs with Rey's wild flying. Zigging, zagging, flipping. Squeezing. Neve not only heard but felt the scraping of the Falcon against scrap metal as they flew through old remains in an effort to escape the enemy ships.

Finn brought down a TIE amidst their navigating before his guns locked up. Neve managed to damage the wing of the remaining TIE, right as Rey shot them through the last stretch of ship graveyard, the Falcon thrusting upwards as the TIE lost control, crashing to the ground. 

They'd done it! They'd reached the safety of space and they all flung themselves from their seats, eager to cheer with one another.

As Neve climbed down from her position, Finn and Rey were already excitedly circling each other, offering praise for the other's skills.

"I don't know your name." Rey said, a softness to her as she looked at Finn.

"I'm Finn. What's yours?" Finn asked.

"I'm Rey," she stated with a smile, the two of them mirroring the other.

"I'm Neve," Neve finally chimed in, the two turning to notice her

"I know," Finn said, "Rey said it back on Jakku. And...and Poe mentioned you."

The tugged at Neve's heart. An all too familiar ache plaguing her chest at that point. She could only imagine what Poe could have said. Maybe he told Finn of her abandoning him. His last thoughts, last words of her were ill. This man, who had been such a good friend to her, and she... "What did he say?"

"He--" But they were interrupted by a bang and a sudden leak of something. 

The group rushed to the grating that made up the floor, pulling it up. Rey was quick to hop in and get to work. They were even quicker to reach the conclusion that they would most certainly be killed if they did not fix the problem.

"They're hunting for us. We need to get out of this system," Finn said as he exchanged tools with Rey.

"BB-8 said that the location of the Resistance base is need to know. If I'm taking there, I need to know!"

"You said that, BeeBee?" Neve asked the droid, "Good job." The droid beeped out a series of proud beeps. Poe would be proud of the droid, its dedication, Neve couldn't help but think.

"This?" Finn questioned as he handed Rey a tool, dodging the answer to the question. And Neve knew why. It was because he didn't know.

Neve knew that the Resistance was scattered across the galaxy, its members unofficial, but all united with a common goal. It was entirely possible there were many in the Resistance that she did not know personally. But she knew that wasn't the case with Finn. She sensed it in him. 

"Pilex driver, hurry! So where's your base?" Rey inquired, taking the tool and dipping back below as she awaited an answer.

Finn and Neve locked eyes. A silent exchange between them, that Neve knew his secret. Finn's eyes were warm, soft. Pleading for Neve not to expose him, that he'd explain everything to her later.

BB-8 looked between Finn and Neve, waiting for the outcome. "Go on, BB-8, tell her," Neve instructed, to which the droid shared the information.

"The Ileenium system!?" Rey exclaimed as she popped her head back up.

"Yup, that's the one!"

"I'll drop you two at Ponemah Terminal. I need the bonding tape!" 

Neve's brows furrowed with concern, "And you?"

"I have to get back to Jakku," she said, as if it were obvious.

"Back to--why does everyone want to go back to Jakku!?" Finn complained as he searched for which item Rey was looking for, repeatedly getting it wrong.

"Rey, why don't you come with us? Once we get to the base you and Finn will be safe. You two can rest and eat. I'll take care of the mission on my own." Neve attempted to insist. Rey would have a place to stay, a real place. Real food. She wouldn't be alone.

"Do you have a family? A boyfriend? Cute boyfriend," Finn asked, though it certainly was not the time to ask such questions.

The alarms and the steaming leak came to a halt and Rey emerged again. "None of your business!" She snapped, but she softened as she looked at Neve. There was a look to Rey that Neve couldn't quite place. It seemed the brunette was about to open her mouth to speak, but then...

The lights shut off.

The three quickly came to the same conclusion, which could be summed up with 'uh oh'.

They all scrambled, rushing to the cockpit to see all that they could. Pushing at each other to look out the viewport, to see what had locked onto them, they all grew anxious. The Order, they'd found them. There was a sense of defeat among them as they did not see how to get out of this one. Neve searched, poked at the Force, but she couldn't feel him. She couldn't feel Kylo Ren. She wasn't relieved.

"You said poisonous gas..." Finn said.

"I fixed that." Rey stated.

"Can you unfix it?" Finn questioned and there was only a short silence between them before they all were back into a rush. With filtration masks in hand they all squished themselves into the compartment beneath the floor, pulling the grate back over them to conceal them as Rey quickly got to work to unfix the work she'd just done. Only they were interrupted by the door of the Falcon opening, menacing steps shaking the floor above them as the ship was boarded. But then, Neve heard it. A voice spoke, one that she knew. One that was not of the First Order. A conflicting sense of relief swirled in Neve's stomach at the voice.

"Neve," Rey hissed as Neve rushed to lift the grate above them. Finn's arms wrapped around the red-haired woman's waist in an attempt to stop her, only the grate was lifted from above them.

Neve's breathing stopped as she looked into ever familiar eyes. The group was greeted by an aged face, a blaster, and a furry friend. Han Solo's took a sharp intake of breath as he caught sight of what was below him. Foregoing Neve's companions, he recognized this woman.

-

Meanwhile, one Lieutenant Mitaka was burdened with the task of informing Commander Ren of the Order's shortcomings. As it was, the man was already in the middle of destroying a control panel, and Mitaka hadn't even told him the part that he was sure would anger Kylo Ren the most.

"Anything else?" Kylo Ren heaved as he halted his assault on the innocent control panel.

"I--the droid, FN-2187...they were...accompanied by two girls--" Mitaka didn't get to finish his explanation before an invisible hand was wrapped around his neck, strangling him.

In reality, Kylo Ren had only focused on the fact that they were more than likely accompanied by _the_ girl. _His_ girl. Neve. And they'd failed to bring her to him, but then he processed. Through gritted teeth, but genuinely, he spat an inquiry, "What girl?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well. here it is. a year later. umm i had to rewrite half of it bc it got deleted. it was a struggle. almost done with the canon-compliant parts. i don't really like doing the word-for-word bits of this but i'm trying to establish relationships a bit before i move onto the Actual Story tm. but we'll be going off script a bit shortly. uhh g-d bles, thanks for reading! see you next year.
> 
> not edited yet


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